You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you

Re: A love letter, to the most important people in my life.


To whom it may concern:


I have been meaning to tell you something for a long time now, but the moment was never right and for some reason, despite my genuine desire to communicate the sentiment, I could never get the words out. I write this letter to you now as recompense for my former silence and as a means to finally 'speak' the unspoken. You must allow me to tell you how ardently I admire and love you.

You see, things got bad for a while. Life, as it has so often been known to do, got complicated and swervy and difficult and confusing and unfamiliar and I found myself more literally alone than I had ever been before. I had moved into my own apartment, no family, no roommates. I was quickly immersed in the most difficult year of my education yet. My family had just emerged from its most difficult trial; details aside my relationship with my parents changed drastically in spite of me and I had to learn to maneuver largely without them. During my undergraduate school years I barely went two days without speaking to them on the phone. Soon I found myself rounding the two month mark, refusing to cave and call (until, of course, I did) despite an innate yearning to reestablish the most important bond I had experienced in my life, all the while alone in my desire to do so.

But enough of that; this story's about you.

Besides, I needn't summarize the details. You know them well enough. It was you, after all, who was there for the aftermath. You who was there to help me pick up the pieces and expand my notion of what "family" could mean. You became my family when I needed family most. You were there and are still and I can finally say that I have invested some trust and hope and belief in our relationship and its endurance. I know you'll be around, for a while at least; that I can count on, and I can count on you.

Sometimes I wonder what it would be like if I hadn't met you, but I don't like to think about that for too long. I can't remember entirely what it was like before and while I am not trying to claim that my life was horror before you came into it I can say quite certainly that it would not be as good now if you hadn't. It might not "be" at all if you hadn't. These are the "ifs" I am fortunate enough to never have to know for sure.

Sometimes I worry the pressure of such complete reliance might be too much for you, for us. I suppose I hope that you, too, have found something in me you were needing, or are simply happy to have. I hope I give back in kind. I hope you know I'm there for you, too.


Now, the tenor of this letter to this point has been admittedly ridiculously serious- I hope I haven't frightened you away. After all, our friendship has never required some sort of formal address or acknowledgment. It's been defined instead by its uncanny ease and casualness. We never had to speak it into being; it simply was, came to be.

No more cliched phrasing or over-the-top pronouncements.

All I had wanted to say was 1) thank you and 2) I love you. I hope this is not creepy or off-putting. Please take it as you need to and remember where it is coming from. I think I kid around a lot about a lot of different things so please remember that when I do I am not kidding about this: you are fantastic and appreciated and I don't know where I would be without you.

If you read this, you don't have to acknowledge it. You don't have to awkwardly bring it up next time we meet or feel impelled to phone immediately and signal its reception. I have said what I wanted to say and we'll leave it at that. You will notice, too, that this letter is fairly ambiguously addressed, but I think it's clear enough. My assumption is you'll know if who I'm referring to is you.

Much love,
Me

P.S. Perhaps tomorrow we'll have a drink or get together for games night or a potluck or a picnic or maybe we'll chat on the phone or message online or meet up somewhere else, in this city or another we've been meaning or planning to visit? Whatever we do, I look forward to it.